Dear Tori Read online

  Telling her the truth is out of the question since I banged up my hand roughing up some small time dealer that tried to screw Trevor over. Swallowing thickly, I can’t quite meet her eyes as I lie. “My hand slipped, when I was tightening down a bolt at the garage. Now stop trying to avoid the question. You always wanted kids. You used to talk about it all the time.”

  “That was before my accident. I can’t even help my little brother with his math homework. People like me don’t need to have kids.”

  I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the lounge chair so I’m facing her. “Why do you think it takes two people to make a baby? One person can’t be expected to know everything. Take the two of us sitting her… hypothetically,” I add, with a grin. “If we had a boy I could teach him how to turn a wrench-”

  “What if it was a girl? That’s sexist, Noah.”

  I laugh quietly. “Fair enough. Boy or girl, I could teach them how to fix shit, and the little bit of math you taught me back in high school, and you could teach them about animals, and nature, and… pretty much everything else.”

  “I can’t even remember which order the months come in sometimes.”

  “That’s what a calendar’s for.”

  “You’ve got an answer for everything, don’t you?” she asks with a small smile.

  “Not everything, but between the two of us I think we’d manage to figure it out.”

  Tori shrugs, not looking entirely convinced. Then a small line forms between her eyebrows. “Christian said you made a payment on that loan. Is that why you sold your bike, Noah?”

  I’m instantly enraged at the sound of his name. That bruise on her forearm is already faded to a vague shadow, but the memory of it is still fresh in my mind. “I told him to leave you alone.”

  “I ran into him at the funeral, when I was leaving, and he mentioned it to me.”

  “It’s none of his fucking business what I do.”

  “That may be, but is it true? Did you really sell your bike?”

  “Yeah.” It’s the truth. I did sell my bike, but I’m leaving out a whole helluva lot else too.

  “Noah, why did you do that?” she whines. “Your dad gave you that bike.”

  “My dad was a piece of shit. The only reason I even hung onto that thing, was it reminded me of you and the times we used to ride around together.”

  “I feel terrible. I didn’t ask you to do that.”

  “You didn’t have to ask. I wanted to do it. I’ll get another bike one day, but that place is your home. There’s no way I’m going to let you lose it.”

  Tori reaches over and grabs my face gently, avoiding my still slightly swollen black eye. She presses her lips to the side of my mouth in a featherlight kiss. “I don’t know why you’re doing all this for me.”

  “If you could remember the way we were before, then you’d know why.”

  “I wish I could remember.”

  “Well, you just have to trust me then. You’re worth every sacrifice, Tori. I would do anything for you.”

  Staring into my eyes from close enough the tips of our noses are almost touching, she says, “I love you, Noah.”

  Those words almost sting because I’m not sure if she’d be saying them to me if she knew the truth. I fucking hate lying to her, even if I have good reasons. “I love you too, Tori. With all my heart. I hope you always remember that.”

  “I won’t forget again.” Her fingertips trace down the sides of my jaw, along my neck. “I thought you had to help you cousin tonight.”

  “I’m waiting on a call from him.”

  “What does he do exactly?”

  “All kinds of shit,” I say vaguely. “He runs a security company.” Trevor does in fact own such a business on paper, but it’s just a front.

  “Is it dangerous?”

  “Nah,” I lie again. “I pretty much just stand around and look like a scary goon.”

  “That sounds boring.”

  “It’s money.”

  Tori’s face falls. “Are you doing this for me? Noah, you can’t—”

  “Stop telling me what I can and can’t do. I’m doing it. You always wanted to live there.”

  “I did? I thought I was going to be a vet.”

  “Yeah, and you planned on moving back after you finished school. You said you were going to convert that carriage house into a clinic. That’s what you told me anyways.”

  Tori’s face goes blank, and her pupils expand until there is only the faintest band of emerald green around the outer edge.

  “Babe?”

  She blinks a few times. “I remember telling you that. You were holding my hand, and we were walking through a field somewhere. Maybe on the farm. It was cold out.” Grinning, Tori entwines her fingers in mine. “I think it’s a real memory, one that’s going to stick. I’ve been having those the past few days.”

  “That’s good.” My voice sounds wooden, and my stomach sinks down into my gut. “I wonder why you’re finally starting to have new memories?”

  She shrugs. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

  If she remembers the way things happened that night, I’m not sure what she might think. It was an accident. No one can deny that, but it doesn’t mean she won’t resent me for it. Between that fear, and wondering how she’ll react if she ever finds out what I’m really doing for Trevor, I’m suddenly feeling hopeless in a way I haven’t in a while.

  I remember all too well what my life was like without her, and I can’t go back to that again.

  “Noah, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m a little tired. It’s been a long week.”

  Tori pouts. “Why don’t you try to lay down for a bit until your cousin calls? You could take a cat nap.”

  I pull her onto my lap, and meow against her neck just to hear her laugh. That sound instantly makes me feel better.

  “Stop it, Noah. I’m ticklish there.”

  “I know. You think I don’t remember all your ticklish spots?”

  Wiggling on my lap, Tori quirks her eyebrows up at me suggestively.

  That’s all it takes from her, one laugh, one smile, one seductive smirk and my whole world shifts. I carry her inside to my bedroom, not to take a nap.

  “I never knew you were such a slob,” Tori says with a laugh, staring around at the dirty, discarded clothes strewn about the floor.

  “You knew, but you forgot.” I set her on her feet, and reach behind to work the zipper at her back. Her dress gets left on the floor with the rest.

  After I finish undressing her, I don’t tickle Tori, but I run my palms over every square inch of her, memorizing every slender curve, the tan lines at her shoulders, and above her knees, those little pock mark scars on one shin that she acquired in the years before I met her.

  My phone rings in the next room, and I let it ring. Trevor can wait. I know better than anyone how everything can change, your whole world can get ripped away, and all you have left are memories.

  I have every intention of coming back from this job tonight, and all the ones I’ll be doing in the coming months, but I’m not letting Tori out of this room until I’ve touched, and kissed, and tasted every part of her, from the crown of her silky, blonde hair, to the tips of her pretty, little toes.

  Tori leans up on her elbows, and watches me. She giggles nervously when I lick the inside of her ankle. “What are you… Oh, my god.” Her head tips back on a panting moan as I lightly bite her baby toe.

  I guess she forgot about that too.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Tori

  Three Months Later

  I’m already snuggled in bed, when I hear heavy footfalls on the steps leading up to my place. This time of night, it must be Noah. He’s been working such crazy hours for his cousin, sometimes he’s hard to keep track of.

  I scooch over to one side of the bed to make room for him, and listen for the scrape of his key in the lock. It never comes. Instead there’s a loud, pounding knock on the door. I spring up
out of bed at the unexpected sound.

  On my way through the living room, I snag up one of Noah’s oversized sweatshirts he left flung over the back of the couch, and shrug it on over my tank top.

  My door doesn’t have a peephole, and it’s the first time I’ve wished for one. It’s nearly midnight. I can’t imagine who’s out there knocking so aggressively.

  The knocking starts again, and this time it’s accompanied by a familiar scratch and whining bark. I unlock the door, and throw it open, thinking maybe Noah lost his key. Lola barrels past me, and scampers over to her favorite spot on the love seat. She’s been to my new place plenty of times in the past few months. It’s like her second home. Noah always brings her along when he stays the night.

  But it’s not Noah standing stiffly on the small landing, although the stranger shares a few of his features, his dark hair, brown eyes, and large stature. He has a backpack slung over one shoulder, which he slides off and holds out for me to take. “Noah wanted me to give you this.”

  “Where’s Noah?” I ask.

  “He’s not dead.”

  “What?” I ask, alarmed.

  “He told me to tell you that, and he wanted you to have this.” Giving me an impatient look, he shakes the backpack at me. When I don’t take it, he drops it near my feet.

  “Who are you, and where’s Noah?”

  “This should explain everything.” He reaches behind him, and produces a folded over envelope from his back pocket. “Tell him we’re square.”

  “Tell who?”

  “Noah. You’ll talk to him before I do. Tell him we’re square, and things are a little hot around here for me right now.”

  Hot? It’s been an unseasonably cold autumn so far. “What is that supposed to mean, and who are you?”

  He shakes his head at me. “Doll, I don’t have time to chit chat, but you take care of yourself. And if anyone else asks, I was never here.”

  He stomps down the stairs fast. Clutching the letter tightly in my hand, I follow after him, and watch him climb into the cab of a lifted pickup truck with huge tires. There’s someone waiting in the passenger side, a woman I think. As he starts to back out, I spot Noah’s motorcycle strapped down in the bed of the truck, along with a bunch of boxes and other stuff.

  Lola barks from the top landing. Shivering from the cold, and filled with dread, I slowly climb back up towards her. My gut tells me I might not like what I’m about to find in this envelope.

  My fingers are shaking as I rip it open. Something small and shiny falls out and plinks against the kitchen counter. It goes flying, and Lola chases after it like a toy. I lunge for it, and snatch it up before the dog can ingest the small, heart-shaped charm.

  Dear Tori,

  If you’re reading this, I’m either dead or locked up. Whichever way it goes, I hope you can forgive me. I never wanted to lie to you, and I know you hate it, but I didn’t see another way.

  I don’t want to work for Trevor, or follow in my dad’s footsteps. When we first met years ago, I kind of figured I would eventually fall into this kind of life just because it was all I knew growing up, but you showed me I could be more than that.

  You’re the only person in my life worth taking this risk for, and no matter which one it turns out to be, if I’m rotting in the ground, or rotting in a cell, I don’t want you to blame yourself. I chose to do this, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love you so much, and you’re worth every sacrifice. I would do anything to make you happy and see you smile.

  If I’m dead, don’t spend your life crying about it. If I’m alive and locked up, hopefully it’s not for too long, and maybe you can eventually find a way to forgive me.

  Take care of Lola for me. One way or another, we’ll see each other again.

  Love you forever,

  Noah

  He’s not dead. The man, who I now presume was Trevor, said he wasn’t dead. Relief washes through me at the knowledge, along with anger and fear. That means he’s locked up, and after what he’s told me about his father, I can pretty well guess for what.

  Noah looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me over and over again. He came in late so many nights, from doing god knows what, and crawled in bed beside me.

  Just last night he crept in after I was asleep, and kissed me awake. He made love to me, held me, and told me he loved me. We drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms, and I could never remember being happier. Now I’m left wondering, was it all a lie?

  Lola sniffs around the backpack sitting in the middle of the floor. I’m almost afraid to find out what’s inside. Crouching down, I unzip it to reveal a heap of money in small bundles. I can’t even guess how much is there. I don’t want to guess.

  I can’t believe Noah put us in this situation. He’s in jail, and I’m in possession of drug money. What am I supposed to do now?

  In a state of shock and panic, I flee barefoot with the backpack and the letter. Lola runs beside me across the field. Maggie never locks the back door, and I let myself in quietly. The house is dark and silent, and I’m not surprised to find her asleep upstairs at this hour.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks groggily.

  Crying too hard to speak, I hand her the letter and heft the backpack up on the bed beside her.

  Unlike me, Maggie doesn’t cry as she reads the letter, but she’s suddenly wide awake. She takes a quick peek in the backpack, then zips it closed, and climbs out of bed.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “I’m hiding this.”

  “Maggie, we can’t keep it! He got this—”

  She holds up her hand. “I don’t want to know details. We don’t have to keep it, but until we decide what we’re going to do, I’ll put this somewhere safe, just in case.”

  “In case of what?”

  Maggie doesn’t answer as she carries the backpack downstairs. She puts on her coat and shoes, and carries the ill gotten money out towards the barn. I don’t follow after her, but stand frozen in place with that heart charm clutched in a fist so tight my fingers ache.

  ***

  The next day I find out what Maggie meant by just in case. Brandon is at school, and we’re both attending to the cows, the ones we have left. Half the herd got sold to free up space and time for the other animals. I’m on my way to attend to the goats corralled nearby when I spot the two police officers striding across the field.

  My heart thuds so loud in my chest that I fear they must be able to hear it as they approach. One of them appears to be about my age, and he knows me. In a town this small, I can only assume we went to high school together. After brief introductions, he asks if I’m still in contact with Noah Stone.

  Maggie wanders over just as they begin to question me. She’s completely calm and friendly, offering to show them around while we chat. As she’s pointing out the sheep, goats, the two alpacas, and all the rest we’ve recently acquired, I’m weighed down by the knowledge of how Noah paid for it all.

  God, I really am stupid. I should’ve realized some security work on the side wouldn’t be enough to afford all this, not to mention all the updates on the smallest barn, the extra fencing, and the huge wagon to pull behind the smaller tractor.

  My pulse is strumming through my ears and pounding behind my eyes. I’m angry, and scared, and so let down. How could Noah hide this from me?

  According to his Uncle Buck, Noah is in jail and he might be there for a while. That’s all he could tell me right now. A while. How long is a while? Months? Years?

  “Has Noah ever mentioned a Trevor Stone to you before?” the officer asks.

  “I-I don’t think so.”

  “It’s his cousin I believe.”

  I shrug my shoulders, and swallow against the bile at the back of my throat. The only thing I hate worse than being lied to, is being forced to lie myself.

  If Noah really loved me, he would’ve never put me in this position to begin with. How could he do this?

  The officer shows me
a picture, and I recognize it immediately as the man who showed up at my door last night. I shake my head. “S-Sorry. The only family Noah ever introduced me to is his uncle.”

  He nods, and gives me this pitying look. Maybe he’s mistaking all my stuttering and stammering for stupidity. I guess I really am stupid. I can’t remember my own phone number, and I can’t tell when the man I’m supposed to be in love with is staring me right in the eye and lying to me for months.

  As soon as the officers are gone, Maggie lets out a long, relieved breath, and I let out a sob. She pulls me into a tight hug. “Tori, it’s going to be okay.”

  “No, it’s not. How can you say that?”

  “Do you know this Trevor guy?” she asks, pulling me back by the shoulders to look at my face.

  “He’s the one that dropped off that letter and backpack last night, but he said he was leaving. He had all his stuff packed up like he was leaving town.”

  She nods. “Then there’s nothing to worry about. I think they were just looking for him.”

  “Nothing to worry about? Maggie, we have to get rid of that money. We have to…” Pulling my coat closer around my body, I look around. “What are we going to do?”

  “We can give that money to a charity or something. How does that sound?”

  “Okay,” I agree quickly.

  “Did you sleep at all last night? Why don’t you go lay down, Tori.”

  I shake my head. I didn’t sleep a wink, but I don’t want to go back there right now, to my home that is full of things that remind me of Noah. He helped me fix that place up, and he’s slept there more nights than not in the past few months. I can’t lay in that bed alone, stare at the ceiling, and think about how he betrayed me.

  Maggie assures me everything is going to be fine again, then wanders off to finish what she was in the middle of before those cops showed up.

  Nothing is fine. Everything is ruined. Can’t she see that?

  The goats crowd around the gate, so instead of opening it, I climb over the side. They have a fairly large pen that connects to the smaller barn. A few of them follow me inside so I can check on things. Food, water, warmth, shelter. They have such simple needs, and they don’t lie to you or betray you. Crouching where two nannies are bedded down in some straw, I run my hands over their silky ears, and wiry coats.